Who Am I Without My Trauma?

By: Dana Laquidara

I have come to learn that it is common for those of us who survived childhood trauma to ask ourselves, who am I REALLY?

More specifically, who would I have been without my trauma?

I used to think that if I just got all traces of trauma out of my mind and body, then what would be left would be the most real, best version of me!  I would welcome her with such respect and admiration. There you are I would say. Nothing left to do or fix or strive for now! This is who you were meant to be!

Mind you, these thoughts were just background whispers while I went about my life, doing and fixing and striving.

Then one glorious day, many years ago, I read a line from a book (I wish I could remember which one!) that left me stunned. I am paraphrasing, but essentially it was this:

Your Real Self is who you become when you do what you tell yourself you are going to do.

So brilliant in its simplicity! What a relief! Such promise.

I have always done what I tell others I will do, but keeping promises to myself was somehow much harder. Even when I knew what was best for me – and I would argue that most of the time we all do know- I would often not follow through.  I’d tell myself I’d do or not do something and sometimes blow it off entirely.

All along, I was asking the wrong question!

The question needn’t be Who would I be without my trauma?

The better question is  As I build my self-trust by doing what I’ve told myself I am going to do, who am I becoming?

It may sound oversimplistic at first. What if you need much more than just following through with what you have told yourself you’ll do? What if you need help? Like therapy. Like talking to someone. Like revisiting the past or forgiving or…

Then you tell yourself you will do that! You will find the support, and make the change or go after the goal or speak the words or drop the habit or whatever it is that you need. And you do it. You do the thing.

It comes back to making wise promises to ourselves and then keeping them. That author was right. It always comes back to that.

It is not just the big promises that count. The little stuff counts too, the everyday stuff that makes up our lives. And not just what we’ve told ourselves we will do but just as importantly, what we will stop doing. You know, the things that keep us from feeling our feelings. The things that keep us from healing.

Wait a minute! How can this goody-two-shoes be our Real Self? I have my theories.

I think that when we do what we’ve told ourselves we will do, we align with Infinite Intelligence. We gather emotional and spiritual power, and take care of our inner child who, lets face it, wants to run amuck much of the time (Or is that just me?)

We free ourselves because we’ve contained ourselves. We grow and create and love and thrive because we can trust ourselves. This is excellent news for creators! For anyone, really.  

 After all these years, I am still working on it, but it is a worthy journey.

 I bet if you think about it, you have many ways you set yourself up for success in following through with your word.  These are just a few of mine:

Making writing appointments with myself.

Recording deadlines that are important to me in my agenda.

Meal planning

Wearing a step pedometer (like a Fitbit except it only counts steps).

Signing up and paying for yoga class ahead of time.

Meditating every evening (the glue that keeps me following through on all the rest!)

Nothing fancy. Nothing exciting. Just some ways that I “contain myself” to free myself.

I have come to believe that author I stumbled on so long ago was correct. We become our Real Self, the Self that we were always meant to be, by keeping our word. Then life really does get exciting! And the old cliché is so true: We show up for others better if we are showing up for ourselves. The spigot is opened. The love flows.

People or circumstances may have put some of us through hell at one time.  But how are we treating ourselves now?

It’s that simple. And that empowering.