Who Am I Without My Trauma?

By: Dana Laquidara

I have come to learn that it is common for those of us who survived childhood trauma to ask ourselves, who am I REALLY?

More specifically, who would I have been without my trauma?

I used to think that if I just got all traces of trauma out of my mind and body, then what would be left would be the most real, best version of me!  I would welcome her with such respect and admiration. There you are I would say. Nothing left to do or fix or strive for now! This is who you were meant to be!

Mind you, these thoughts were just background whispers while I went about my life, doing and fixing and striving.

Then one glorious day, many years ago, I read a line from a book (I wish I could remember which one!) that left me stunned. I am paraphrasing, but essentially it was this:

Your Real Self is who you become when you do what you tell yourself you are going to do.

So brilliant in its simplicity! What a relief! Such promise.

I have always done what I tell others I will do, but keeping promises to myself was somehow much harder. Even when I knew what was best for me – and I would argue that most of the time we all do know- I would often not follow through.  I’d tell myself I’d do or not do something and sometimes blow it off entirely.

All along, I was asking the wrong question!

The question needn’t be Who would I be without my trauma?

The better question is  As I build my self-trust by doing what I’ve told myself I am going to do, who am I becoming?

It may sound oversimplistic at first. What if you need much more than just following through with what you have told yourself you’ll do? What if you need help? Like therapy. Like talking to someone. Like revisiting the past or forgiving or…

Then you tell yourself you will do that! You will find the support, and make the change or go after the goal or speak the words or drop the habit or whatever it is that you need. And you do it. You do the thing.

It comes back to making wise promises to ourselves and then keeping them. That author was right. It always comes back to that.

It is not just the big promises that count. The little stuff counts too, the everyday stuff that makes up our lives. And not just what we’ve told ourselves we will do but just as importantly, what we will stop doing. You know, the things that keep us from feeling our feelings. The things that keep us from healing.

Wait a minute! How can this goody-two-shoes be our Real Self? I have my theories.

I think that when we do what we’ve told ourselves we will do, we align with Infinite Intelligence. We gather emotional and spiritual power, and take care of our inner child who, lets face it, wants to run amuck much of the time (Or is that just me?)

We free ourselves because we’ve contained ourselves. We grow and create and love and thrive because we can trust ourselves. This is excellent news for creators! For anyone, really.  

 After all these years, I am still working on it, but it is a worthy journey.

 I bet if you think about it, you have many ways you set yourself up for success in following through with your word.  These are just a few of mine:

Making writing appointments with myself.

Recording deadlines that are important to me in my agenda.

Meal planning

Wearing a step pedometer (like a Fitbit except it only counts steps).

Signing up and paying for yoga class ahead of time.

Meditating every evening (the glue that keeps me following through on all the rest!)

Nothing fancy. Nothing exciting. Just some ways that I “contain myself” to free myself.

I have come to believe that author I stumbled on so long ago was correct. We become our Real Self, the Self that we were always meant to be, by keeping our word. Then life really does get exciting! And the old cliché is so true: We show up for others better if we are showing up for ourselves. The spigot is opened. The love flows.

People or circumstances may have put some of us through hell at one time.  But how are we treating ourselves now?

It’s that simple. And that empowering.

Can I Get Back 20 Years?

       This Christmas was the second time I stayed the night at my dad’s house... ever. From the time my parents divorced at age nine, I never once stayed the night at my dad’s. Until last Christmas, 2022. And for the second time, a year later… this Christmas, 2023.

	I never stayed the night, but, for two decades, Dad always kept a room for me. My own room and bathroom, even though my four younger brothers had to share. Complete with a mirror and dresser and comforter. He kept this empty bedroom in every house.

	Parental alienation, especially in severe cases, is a life sentence for the child. Not many people understand that. Yes, you can seek therapy, support, and rebuild a new relationship with the parent you previously lost. But…

	Can I get back twenty years? 

	Having been so intimately betrayed by my mom—who contrived hundreds of lies and brainwashed me to believe my dad was abusive and didn’t love me—how can I possibly trust her again? 

	That's the tip of an iceberg miles deep. 

	No one considers how this abuse affects a child’s personality. Their self-esteem, their health, their self-perception. No one considers how it affects much more than a childhood, but potentially a life-time... involving a myriad of self-destructive effects, from self-harm, eating disorders, and health issues, to addiction, alcoholism, attachment disorders, and suicide. 

	No one considers how this abuse affects more than the child directly affected. Most of the time, it affects that child and their bloodline, as 50% of alienated children will go on to become targeted parents down the line. This abuse is generational. It will not end until someone identifies it in their family and says enough IS ENOUGH. This ends with me. It will not end naturally.

	I’ve heard that it takes thirty days of no-contact with a parent for a child to crack under the pressure of manipulation to choose the alienator. Thirty days for a child to lose hope; as a survivial technique, they’ll align with the alienator parent, without knowing how hard their other parent may be fighting behind the scenes. Thirty days. That’s all it takes.

	Thirty days is about how long it took for me, under the full control of my mom due to a bogus restraining order, to have the brainwashing solidify and that was that—my nine-year-old brain had been forced to make a decision, mom or dad, and I made a decision with FALSE information and my mom’s WORST interests for me at heart. I went from being “Daddy’s little girl” to terrified in his presence. None of this had to happen.

	Of course, my dad felt sad, angry, and confused… mostly for the first few years of the alienation. The difference, however, is that he was an adult with a developed brain: he knew all along that I was a puppet and my mom, the puppeteer. I had no idea. 

	The loss of the loving relationship we shared affected both of us deeply. I was only able to recognize the truth of what happened to me when I learned it had a name: parental alienation. It made sense, like my life had been one fragmented puzzle, and this was the final missing piece.

	This Christmas was the second time I’ve stayed the night at my dad’s house, and it certainly won’t be the last. I know that no amount of time will ever make up for the decades we’ve lost. But I love my dad, and he knows this. My dad loves me, and I know this, too. There is nothing anyone can do to take our love away again. 

	The ending of my story is considered a success by all accounts. If alienation extends into adulthood, most adult children will not figure it out. Many take their own lives. Others will die due to addiction or disease. 

	While the ending of my story is not common, the rest of it is. There are at least 22 million parents alienated from their children in the US today, which equates to at least 22 million alienated children, and probably many more than that. 

	I can’t get back twenty years with my dad, but I can help other alienated children figure out the truth sooner than I did. I can help other parents get their children back. But I need your help. Please consider making a donation to our college campus campaigns. This is a worldwide epidemic, and it needs to be treated as such. Please help me change the trajectory for many other alienated kids’ and their loving parents.